Christians Have a Boundary Problem… and We Rarely Talk About It!

When Kindness Becomes Access

I wouldn’t say I’ve always been a people-pleaser, per se. But I have always wanted to see joy and happiness in others, even when it came at my own expense. I’ve always carried a soft, kind, empathetic, nurturing demeanor. That has been my natural way of moving through life… my modus operandi.

Over time, though, I began to realize that this kindness was being misused by people who saw me as an easy target. It showed up as lazy coworkers who expected me to take on their responsibilities, or relatives who would take advantage of me.

When I dug deeper into this pattern, I saw the real issue: I lacked healthy boundaries. And when I tried to establish boundaries after the fact, it rarely went well. People had grown accustomed to the blurred lines, the access, the convenience. So when I attempted to change the dynamic, it felt offensive to them. How dare I revoke access I had already given? The truth is, they were comfortable with the status quo.

My knee-jerk reaction to this realization was simple… build walls so high that no one could reach me. And while that kept me safe for a time, it also created another imbalance- boundaries so rigid that no one had access to me at all.

Learning to Say No (Re-establishing Boundaries)

Recently, I made a more intentional choice. I decided to re-establish boundaries, specifically with repeat offenders. People I had already asked to respect my space, whether mentally, emotionally, or otherwise. These were the ‘worst of the worst,’ the ones who would invade my space and then insult me on their way out.

A few days ago, I re-established a boundary with one of those people. The conversation began with niceties, then I went on to say something along the lines of: “I’ve tried to share this a couple of times over text, and I think it might be helpful for us to talk it through so I can explain what feels okay for me and what doesn’t, just to make sure we’re on the same page.”

She seemed genuinely surprised by the conversation… and a bit dramatic. And in that moment, it became very clear to me that when access is finally removed from someone who has repeatedly crossed boundaries, the response is often anger or resistance. She even said she would never speak to me again. And honestly, that was okay. We weren’t close friends. We simply shared a mutual connection and happened to cross paths from time to time. And when our paths did cross, it often came with snide or snarky comments as a parting shot.

What stood out to me afterward was the contrast. There were many occasions when she had no hesitation in texting me detailed messages about events, complete with her expectations, boundaries, and fine print. I respected those without question. I adjusted. I complied. I honored what she needed. Yet when I expressed my own boundaries, they were received poorly. That realization was sobering… and clarifying.

Afterward, I called a close friend and shared what happened, plainly and without fluff. They comforted me and helped me see what I was really feeling… guilt. Guilt for speaking up. Guilt for (potentially) no longer being perceived as the “kind, sweet girl.”

And then something quietly shifted in me. I realized that if someone only feels comfortable with me when I am over-giving or silent, then they don’t belong in my orbit. We are simply operating from different places, with different levels of awareness and respect.

What Scripture Actually Teaches Us About Boundaries

As Christians, we are taught clearly and repeatedly to love generously. Scripture calls us to forgive seventy times seven, to feed our enemies when they are hungry, and to turn the other cheek. These teachings are beautiful. They are holy. And they are not optional.

But there is a quiet tension many of us carry and rarely name…How do we live out radical kindness without allowing ourselves to be mistreated?

I know we are not called to forgive in order to be applauded. We don’t love so that others will reciprocate. Our obedience is unto God, not people. And still, there are moments when kindness is no longer received as love, but exploited as access.

Scripture also tells us to guard our hearts, for everything we do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding is an action. It implies discernment, not passivity. Love does not require self-abandonment.

Jesus Himself modeled this balance. He was compassionate, but He also withdrew. He healed, but He did not entrust Himself to everyone (John 2:24). He spoke plainly when needed and did not soften truth to keep the peace.

Forgiveness does not mean removing all boundaries. Turning the other cheek does not mean standing still while someone continues to strike. Loving an enemy does not mean granting them unlimited access to your life.

Matthew 5:37 reminds us: “Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no.” Although there are many layers to this verse…To me, this shows integrity and boundaries! When I don’t agree with something, that should be a flat-out “No!” Friends, clarity is not cruelty. A firm “no” can be just as righteous as a generous “yes.”

As believers, we are called to love deeply… but also wisely. Boundaries are not a lack of grace. They are often the very thing that allows grace to remain genuine, sustainable, and free of resentment.

Sometimes the most faithful thing we can do is love from a distance… and let that be enough.

Hugs,